Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
