if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
