Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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