Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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