I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
