I can't breathe out the right side of my face
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
