Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize