Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
