i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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