I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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