A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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