she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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