fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
