I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize