Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
