Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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