I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize