This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
