why didn't you poke me back
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
