Ketchup is God's man juice
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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