So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
