You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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