Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
