I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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