I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize