It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
