he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
