I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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