i wish my penis had a tongue
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
