It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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