I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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