I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
