I wish i was in the wii world.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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