Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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