I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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