I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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