Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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