cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize