I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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