How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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