Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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