So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
