when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
