I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
