my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize