Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
