I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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