youre lurking in front of me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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