Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
