good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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