'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
