This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize