I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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