pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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