Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
