If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
