my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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