It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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