my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
he just fucked me for my cheese.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
