Banned from zoo.
Again?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize