hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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