Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize