being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
