I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
