Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just invented taco cereal.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
