pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
