god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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