Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
we should paint friendship bongs
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